Gurt by Lamb

While it maybe a small delay from when I intended to post this you maybe aware that Australia's National BBQ, Backyard Cricket Day and Lamb Appreciate Day has come and gone for another year. Much like years gone by this year is not without some level of debate or controversy, with calls again to move the date for Australia Day.

While there maybe reasons to do this (probably the same reasons since 1938) the real reason for not moving this to any other date thus far is simple, it would take away a chance of a long weekend and that ladies and gentlemen of the jury is just Un-Australian. Australia Day is not celebrated every year with land acquisitions but with those things every Australia can appreciate.

If it moved to January 1st how would the cricketers manage to play with a New Years Eve hangover? How would the schoolies have one last party with the Hottest 100 just before going back to another year of class? How would Anzac Day be honored if overshadowed by Australia Day?

I'm not blind to the reasons for moving it its just that Australia Day doesn't mean invasion to the vast majority of its population, for the last 60 years to some its the day where they took an Oath and became Australian citizens. Its a time to reflect on why the Australian way of life is so great not for political upheaval.

Perhaps the only problem with Australia Day as it is, is it is not long enough. Instead of Australia Day it should be Australia Week! How can you fit all that is great into a single day? How did I spend my Australia Day this year? I didnt I had a 4 day celebration consisting of Drinks, Poker Games, Live Music, Scenic Rides, BBQs, Flaming Bundy Bananas and Backyard Cricket. Try and fit that in your one day...

Unless there is a suggestion to create another public holiday to counter balance the reasons for wanting to move it taking away a holiday just plain Un-Australian.

Andy, a man who likes setting desserts on fire on January 26th.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Ninjamas....

With Ninjamas fast approaching like a T-Rex at a all-you-can-eat buffet stuffed with Bovine carcasses, its almost time for us to brave the Kringle crush. To survive the Tinsel Mafia for a chance to get that one defining present for the ones we care so that they too can brave the post-Ninjamas sales to return it for what they really wanted.

If Black Friday has taught you anything you should be channeling your inner A-Team and have a plan. Whether you take an approach of Baldy, Doyle, Tiger or The Jewelry Man you should ensure whichever way you go you have a plan that comes together to fight off the Yultide Commandos, or have to resort to giving out shammies and scented pinetrees purchased from the local Shell on Ninjamas Eve.

The conventional approach is to drive to your local shopping mecca and wander aimlessly like a Comet in a tank spiked with red cordial. This approach is popular with the indecisive, uninsightful and airconditioner deprived members of the populus walking into the summer months. This is recommended for anyone who would like to know what its like to be felt up by complete strangers in public while queuing up for that last Tickle-Me-Elmo Extreme++, the one that when tickled laughs until it goes off like a stuffing filled Claymore.

Behind door number 2 is the direct approach which is my personal choice. You go in hard and fast, like a SAS trooper sans hardware and laser sights, when at the store you take a good 10-20 seconds and look and scan for what your after like a T-800. Any store that wants sell to you should have everything on easy display for you to see unless your last name is Magoo or they just aren't trying. From the front of the store you should be in easy access to it all and just like you tell the yokle trying to pickup by hanging around the serving area of your favourite waterhole at happy hour, this area is for loading and unloading only - in and out, Ninja style.

There is a 3rd option in this age of mechanised marvels which is of course the Interweb. This technological terror to which we have created's power to destroy a ship maybe insignificant next to the power of the force. But if your looking for something that surrounds and binds us this holiday season and dont fancy poor grammar and swamp land then eBay with a Visa or Paypal account maybe your master now.

With less then a month until Ninjmas must you choose your path, but choose soon to avoid the petrol station shop of shame. Remember, Santa is out there... and he knows when your sleeping.

Andy, a man who has already checked if you can buy a Jetpack online - Yes, we can!

Small hands... smell like cabbage...

For the last few days I have been in the throws of festivis celebrations. For those who don't know festivis is a phrase for celebrating a single day event that you decide to draw out into a multi-day event. The first festivis may have well been the Olympics starting as a Greek backyard BBQ with guests that just wouldn't leave - we may never know its history is shrouded in mystery that even a Scooby Doo crossover with Batman couldn't solve.

This years Festivis was celebration for my milestone Birthday which was spread over 3 days. Drinking shoes were necessary so for the entire week prior I had been in training with a drink per day. Festivis is not to be taken lightly, like the Olympics there is a degree of preparation you must endure.. you can't just rock up to Beijing and say "Long jump? Yeah Ill have a crack" seeing if you can pass off for part of the Jamaican polo team.

The final day of Festivis was taken as part of the Brisbane Royal Show or Ekka. A long standing and highly prestigious rural event which is celebrated annually by the inflating of giant mallets and the wearing of fluffy hats before the purchasing of bags full of Bertie Beetles. The Ekka has many interesting things to see but no one can visit without at least one walk through sideshow alley.

Sideshow alley is the carnival game section of the show - shooting galleries, ring toss and freaky clowns with a oral fixation for ping pong balls unparalleled this side of Singapore. We visited this as a group with a hyper-kinetic munchkin in our ranks who quite enjoyed the concept of winning small bags of multi-coloured-marketed stuffing.

On the 6th pass of a carnie game where the small boy hoped someone would play it for another prize, his father sat him down and explained what a con game actually is. While I would never suggest you try this at home there nothing quite like seeing a tiny piece of youthful innocent be killed off like a frog by 18 wheeler. The look of harsh reality setting in is something that most never see - the only thing close to experiencing it in the adult world would be going a shandy too far.

While I'm still sober enough to remember how to operate a taxi cab I'll try and avoid having to chew off my own arm...

Andy, a man with 2 arms but still can't juggle.

Closing Time

Moving on is never an easy thing to consider, from relationships to jobs people fear change like 6 year old fears cooties. There is a level of comfort and contentment in what is known, it covers and shrouds us like a knitted wool doona from great aunt Gertrude - giving both warmth and an faint oder of old people.

Consider though if no one sought change what that would mean. Mankind would of never gone to the moon - they'd be at home, watching re-runs of the Bill. The pyramids wouldn't of been built, instead the deserts of Egypt would be littered with golden coffins encased in ancient tin shanties. If not for Eratosthenes the world would still be flat. Everest would be really not that interesting. The Dodo might still be around - OK bad example there, but the point remains.

Darwinism tells us 2 things, 1. Rednecks like to keep their loaded weapons with safety's off down the front of their pants and 2. Unless you Change/Evolve you die. From the moment of birth you are constantly growing and adapting to your surroundings. A mastery of the concept of Gravity helps you walk. Basic engineering concepts help you realise that with a stool you can reach the cookies on the top shelf. And so on and so forth, every discovery ever made was herded on by a concept of change and building on what is known which was ushered from the last change.

But humans are suspicious of change fearing the electrodes conveniently hidden on the seemingly free blueberry muffin. What is known is always safer then what is not, many a frog who has found themselves a big black piece of ground with odd white dashes up the middle of it will atest to that. Despite this when it comes to change there is but one thing to consider, to quote the Clash, "Should I stay or Should I go".

The grass is always greener, the pot of gold always bigger or the strippers are always cheaper on the other side (depending on which afterschool special you watched). Fortune favours the bold so ask yourself, do you feel lucky.

Andy, a man who hopes that fortune also favours the foolish.

I've been to Mars but I've never been to Me

I haven't yet contacted NASA to check but I'm fairly certain my daily routine does not involve anything that can be considered any form of rocket science. Yet everyday I find the world has new ways to make me think the new flavour of Coca-Cola involves lead paint chip sprinkles that must be only drunk under high power lines.

For those who drive, normally considered productive members of society, the task is fairly straightforward. There's the front (that's where your going), there's the back (that's where you've been) and other people in their vehicles all around. While legal driving requires some form of testing it breaks down to a very basic rule number 1 - Don't run into shit.

For the more monosyllabic readers who may have missed when Elmo explained the letters K, U, C, O and F required by law to be known if you drive on a freeway and possibly could not even pass a Hazzard county driving exam let me break that down further:

You reach a set of traffic lights which has red facing you, do you,

A) Drive ahead anyway, it's the other person's fault for being stopped in front of your tonnes of raging oil drinking steel steed.

B) Yell "Ye-haw!" and floor it.

C) Steal the Police car next to you and press R3 to start the Vigilante mission.

For those who answered B, Cousin Bo is waiting for you at the Boars Nest - please re frame from using roads with tarmac. If you answered C, this is reality and not GTA4 - you may notice this due to pressing Select does not bring up a map. Finally if you answered A and survived, you have broken rule Uno of driving - congratulations you have proven the life's work of Charles Darwin to be a fraud.

If you look at a car from 1901 the cars from today are significantly simpler - we have big glass bits to stop the bugs. We have seats and seat belts within easy reach of our 10 CD stacker with iPod connector so you can listen to your Neil Diamond best of with your tea cosy hat on. We have a little stick you can pull that starts a flashing light to tell others your going to move sideways away from or towards them. No where in this list do I see an item which requires an advanced degree in quantum mechanics with applied theory to operate.

Yet drivers today seem so bad that if they were a fish, John West would be tossing them in the skip out the back. Twice in the space of three days have I been on my way to work and had a genuine fear for my life being near some drivers. For there are few solutions, Plan A - involves 4 Litres of Petrol and a box of matches OR Plan B - Skirmish Guns or some high impact form of Nerf.

Whats that? Cut me off? Two in the back of the head I think for you and when you drive by a Policeman he can see you've been marked and say to himself, 'Obviously hes been a bit of a dickhead - I should probably book him for something, possibly sodomising a cow.'

Skirmish and Vehicular combat is an untapped market currently limited to only red and green clad Italian Plumbers and should be brought into the world if not on the open road at the very least on private tracks. Who wouldn't want to race go karts with a hopper full of paint and a side order of 2-stroke. If you cant have Skirmish on the open road perhaps bad drivers could be brought onto this private track...

You think a shot in the centre mast hurts when your standing still... try it doing 80 down the main straight. Until then I guess I'm going to have to stick with the its 120 miles to Chicago approach.

Andy, a man without fear on the skirmish field... or padded protection.

iBlog

Day 1
As I write this on my iPhone, sitting in Melbourne airport waiting on a connecting flight I realize how Internet reliant I am for communications.

Boarding a flight with a magazine to tide over those 20 minutes before I can play with my PSP or try the flightmode on my phone I send my last SMS before media blackout. On return to the 21st century I am rewarded with cut price airport wifi and quick response MSN access.

This is of course short lived as the next flight is called.

Day 2
No accessible wifi at the hotel. Forced to roam the streets looking for my next broadband fix.

Until you have a mobile wifi enabled device you are almost unaware of the invisible conversations around you. With the most unlikely of places being hotspot enabled who would think you could have a side of Google with your nandos.

Its a good thing too ...I'm currently travelling with family. An experience I now liken to being cockpunched by a jail harden Mike Tyson.

Day 3
Contact. Using a free computer with broadband I am able to connect with the outside world. I have tasted a world without and found it bitter and lacking click-ability without legal repercussions.

Day 4
Return to our regularly scheduled program. Broadband from home embraces like a long lost lover ensuring the base needs are met. While my cat makes short work of my epidermis ensuring I realise that I left her home alone while I made the interstate trek and have the scars to prove it.

Andy's Blog - Sent from Andy's iPhone (a couple of weeks ago and didnt publish)

Toilet Humour

The world of portable entertainment has changed much since Sir John Harington took out his first magazine subscription. The world Toilet Organisation (who is promoting 2008 as International Year of Sanitation) tells me that an average person visits the toilet 2500 times a year. That's about 6-8 times a day which means you spend about 3 years of your life in the toilet.

Have you really spent some effort thinking about how you can best use this time, Apart from the obvious? Providing you can multitask three years is easily enough time to earn a degree, or learn multiple languages, or Solve world peace if your really dedicated and you have the right materials at hand.

Having to spend an extended time in the porcelain palace isn't so impossible given the wireless age. There are Laptops and Handhelds or Cordless and Mobile Phones which could easily join you for your quiet time for reflection. Can't pause your MMO? Take it with you. Need to catch up on emails? Do a phone conference? Brings a new genre to Blogging.

I truly think that in-bathroom entertain is probably the next frontier for most electronics companies. A 143" Sony Bravia is probably a long cry from your existing vintage National Geographic collection. For spending so much time in there is your toilet really a reflection of your personality suitable for the cover of Bathroom Design Monthly? Are you an Ikea Swedish inspired design ergonomic toilet roll dispenser with optional shaving mirror? Or just full of crap.

Next time you are in your home bathroom think, what does your toilet leisure facilities say about you? If its all Hog magazines and the toilet paper is replaced by Sandpaper maybe you have a high fibre diet consisting mostly of redwoods and tortoises shells. Or maybe if its all wireless access points, power adapters and usb drink coolers it says, it says 'Sure I'm going to be electrocuted, but at least I can still check out Facebook'.

When you are next making your regularly scheduled pit stop to drop the kids off at the pool will you be thinking 'How can I help cure cancer and end world hunger' or 'I need more bran in my diet'.

Andy, a man loves his PSP.