No ticket...

Think back to the last event that you went to, matter of fact anything that required tickets to attend - Dog and Pony Show, Phantom of the Opera tickets, Zeppelin out of Germany. Now how did you get the tickets? You just got them, right? There wasn't a lot of thought involved.. little presto change-o and your Visa plucked them out of thin Internet.

There wasn't a lot of thought involved because it didn't require much. You got the tickets and everything fell into place. There are 3 types of people in the world when it comes to events.

• Person #1 will learn of an event, madly try and find someone to go with them and then purchase the required number of stubs.
• Person B will just buy some tickets and sweat the details closer to the event.
• Person iii will just buy a ticket for themselves and let others know who can get their own tickets.

You can break these people down however you want to but the easiest way to pigeonhole them would be to call them the Realist, the Optimist and the Pessimist. Depending on the choice of ticket you may fall into any one of these categories - a movie you might want to see could be a pessimist affair. Concert? Optimist. Kidney transplant? Realist.

Personally, id like to hope to be a Optimist which is the more expensive of the 3. Often resulting in the spare ticket syndrome which leads to the 4th class of people which acquire tickets - opportunists. Not all opportunities are unwelcome, matter of fact most of them are very welcome (like you'd turn down an evening with an attractive, interesting Blonde) as the choices the most basic of all use it or lose it - no refund available.

Cinema and movie purchasing was always the easiest choice of the 3 (or 4, or that little roman iv thing). Get your ticket, your friends get theirs, you purchase a terribly overpriced mini-spa of coca-cola with optional popcorn ammo, grab available seats together which have the least amount of stickiness to the floor and no pineapple heads to block the screen. While of course most central to screen and surround sound Utopia. But a blight has descended down onto our fair burg much like Mecha-Godzilla onto Tokyo complete with a lot of dazzle to spice up the levels of suck.

I am referring to allocated cinema seating. Not allocated in the posh gold class cinemas with the drinks waiter and the floor rests, but allocated in the non-gold cattle class cinema. When you purchase your ticket you have the (mandatory) option to pick your seats for where you would like to sit - in the stadium where every seat is the best seat in the house except those too close, too far, too much to the sides and not enough to the middle.

Gone are the days of rocking up to a movie 5 minutes in and having to suffer the outrageous fortune of a stiff neck, nay i say. With mere minutes of starting time you can have the best seat in the house providing no one else has picked it ending years of movie snobbery as camping for seats and waiting in long lines goes the way of the Dodo. No more small talk in the line, no more "Oh you like Diesel Sweeties? I like Diesel Sweeties too!"

Does this spell the end of social interaction with no time wasted in the cinema foyer? Are we condemned to SMS/IM/Email as our primary communication media never to talk directly to another human being unless trapped in a lift with half of the Swedish women's volleyball team? Are we condemning ourselves to Self & IM-5s? Whats next, ticket stubs like a deli for using the pool table at the local? Now ready pagers for restaurant toilet stalls?

Modern inconvenience is one of the social lubricants of the current electronic age. That and Guitar Hero/Rock Band with a full bottle of something tasty. Say nay to absolutely everything being handed on a silver platter and welcome those things that makes you go outside into the world. Its better than being discovered 2 months from now after falling in your apartment partially digested by your legion of cats by a neighbour investigating a weird smell.

Andy. Man in search of the perfect spot to watch the world go by... which does table service.

If I had a 1,000,000 dollars

Ever daydream that? If you have ever bought a scratchie or lotto or dabbled in bond villainy you would of had a moment to ponder if you had a million dollars. Which country would you buy? Sports car? House? How about a monkey? Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

A million dollars isn't very much anymore and unless your Dr. Evil you may need to set your sights slightly higher. That is should you wish to avoid all financial woe while remaining in the matter to which you have become accustom. I wont say that a million dollars wont buy you a better refrigerator box to live in, but unless you have 6 months to live your not going to be going all Brewsters Millions with that many clams.

What can you get for $1,000,000 these days you might be thinking, and the answer depends on your tastes. You could:

A) Buy a caravan park near Dubbo and live comfortably til end of days in your Winnebago.
B) Buy 1 limited edition handcrafted European super car
C) Start a super secret Ninja school
D) Buy a bottle of tequilla.... in Bora Bora

But more realistically what you could do is improve your quality of life. But you probably are still going to have to go to work when the hangover wears off, instead of start building your own Batcave.

Currency is a complicated thing with exchange rates and reserve bank loan rates ensuring that there is a never ending financial skirmish of different value monetary trading blocks. All currency valued against a single moving point whether it be Oil or Reserve Bank interest rates - all money is compared to something else (even other money) to give a point of reference. Like trading Cricket cards - a complete set of current South African Cricket Team for a Vintage Booney.

In Columbia the smallest denomination note is 100,000 pesos. What you should consider here is either the streets are made of gold or the currency should actually be valued against the price of Redskins. When the smallest bank note has that many zeroes on it you've either got nephews named Donald, Huey, Dewy and Louie OR you might as well be paying for your groceries by Kg of money.

The point with currency its a matter of perspective, when you were 7 and had $5 didn't you first think how many Wizz Fizz this could buy you or did you think how much short you were for a new Porsche. Right now, a Millionaire isn't really a Millionaire anymore. If you really wanted just 6 zeroes on the end of your monthly bank statement you could always move...

• 1,000,000.00 Colombian Peso = $562.74 Australian Dollars = 5,627 Redskins
• 1,000,000.00 Chinese Yuan = 153,377.01 Australian Dollars = 515,552 Eggs
• 1,000,000.00 Sweden Kronor = 177,400.20 Australian Dollars = 23 Jumping Castles

So dear reader, when you are blissfully thinking of ways to escape your work time foxhole, don't think about winning a million dollars, think about winning a couple of million just to tide you over. Because from where you are sitting now being a Millionaire isn't that far a leap.

In the meantime I'll go find out how much it costs to buy you a Monkey.

Andy. A man who wishes he had a Batmobile.

Christmas in July

It's that time of the year again, the silly season, the Xmas rush, the end of year. The Season of the Work Christmas parties which commonly involve a large bar tab, appetisers (which are the culinary equivalent of pissing on the 3rd rail) and hopes that the hot new girl from account doesn't wear underwear and would like to see the photocopier room.

The real impending downfall of civilisation as we know it is the fact that work Christmas are moving at a speed of contenental drift away from December 25th. Think about it, remember your work Xmas party a few years ago, pretty close to Christmas - almost the same week in fact.

Then think about every year since, when is your party this year if your having one? November? October almost? Is it too much to ask a Christmas party be at least in the same month as Christmas? You can either love your workplace or hate it, but either way having almost a month between making an ass of yourself at the Xmas party and everyone else having some days off over Christmas to forget about it - does not bode well for the Yule time mood.

Maybe the problem is lack of stealth. Christmas doesn't exactly sneak up on you with Trees & Xmas savings being on display only 6 months after the Santa suit went into storage (3 after the indictments were finalised). Maybe it needs to go back to the days of the Christmas rush, only 3 weeks til Christmas advertising not 363 days. Maybe... Christmas needs to go Ninja.

Ninjamas maybe the way to go, many people will never know that December 25th has been and gone as they may be fooled by Ninjamas' awesome stealth-like abilities. Ninjamas considers all facets of the holiday period just look to how you may do your Ninjamas Secret Santa shopping online.

You maybe thinking how can I, Tripitaka, a humble boy monk with definite female features be more Ninja in my Ninjamas festivities. Apart from ditching Pigsy and Sandy there are a few points you can try:

• Wear socks with no shoes a lot. Sandles are considered shoes in this example, which means your Grandpa is not a Ninja.
• Walk sideways, confuse and confound your target with your crablike dexterity
• Talk out of Sync - All the cool dubbed Ninja's do it.
• When you move your arms and hands make whushing sounds (something that Ninjas have in common with both Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan)
• Learn the ancient and mystic arts of the Shirt Ninja
• Whenever need to leave a room, use a smoke bomb
• Practice being roundhoused by Chuck Norris except for the part of being kicked so hard you travel back in time.

So this Ninjamas when doing your Ninjacard lists, wrapping your Ninja presents in tissue paper for stealth unwrapping, and putting up your Ninja tree - enjoy the Christmas period as close to December 25th as you can and just say no to Christmas Parties that aren't. Because the only thing that can stop Ninjamas is New Chuck's Eve...

Andy. A Guy who knows that all real Ninja's ask for a Chuck Norris-proof vest for Xmas.

For Those Who Are About to Rock Online We Salute You

When you were 4 you probably got some form of present, details are sketchy as you were 4 probably a shipment of bindezz beads or something from your dealer, but whats important it came in a big ass box. Well not big just big to you as you were four and to scale with a smurf or right height to work the chain gang on the yellow brick road.

So you had this proportionally big box and your 4. You probably climbed in it and under it, you drove it down the staircase like a race car narrowly missing or nailing the coffee table with the very breakable very expensive nicknack's on it. You put it over you and moved from place to place like a turtle amazed at your stealth that no one would possibly notice this cardboard crustation moving about the living room to the kitchen and back - doing cookie recon work.

So this was when you were 4 with a box. What do you do now? You still have a box but its a PlayStation/Xbox.

Suddenly your imaginary friend isn't imaginary, they are online helping you frag like a mofo from the other side of the globe with a name like MurderDeathKiller13 as opposed to Mr Squishyhead who likes cookies but cant eat them for himself. Online gaming is great, its a world wide community where you can Rock out, Drive like a maniac or have your enemies ph33r your l33t gaming skillz.

For only the cost of a current gaming rig of some description, a broadband connection and some of chance of a social life you too could be getting your ass handed to you by a Czechian 12 year old hopped up on powdered Red Bull. And much like Faust handing these over seems too easy as the temptation to be a fighter pilot, freedom fighter or lead guitarist is offered as something you presumably could not do any other way.

But is it that far outside your grasp? Get a Pilots Licence and with a little skill and a lot of hours you could one day be racing in the Red Bull Air race. Rock climbing and Abseil or perhaps Skirmish your way into your favourite parts of Tomb Raider. Pickup a Guitar and practice practice practice and one day you will be able to ...umm... Beat Guitar Hero on Expert.

Video games aren't bad things, they are shortcuts into something that you might not be able to do exactly - that's not to say that's the end of it. Short of FPS, most gaming experiences can be extended to the real world its just a question of do you want to go that extra mile or is couch potatoism for you.

Why play golf as Tiger Woods when you can just go play golf? Why race Mario Kart instead of actual Karts? Why schmooze as Leisure Suit Larry when you can... OK bad example but the point remains. Play video games but just don't ONLY play video games. Douglas Adam's says all technology comes from Sticks (although he doesn't say where sticks come from), however what goes unsaid with new technology is newer doesn't always mean better.

But as long as I can't fly a single prop Race Plane, blow up an enemy Titan or race the Targa - my Playstation will make a nice placebo.... for now...

Andy. A man who just wants a plain regular original style Coca Cola.

Postcard from the Other Edge of Consciousness

If you travel between timezones in a gap large enough to see the sun setting and rising at different times you will have a appreciation of the sweet science of sleep. Sleep is a necessary and ongoing process. While Bon Jovi may protest that he will sleep when he is dead the fact is there has probably been many a time he has passed out in a pool of carrots and never actually after having a meal of vegetables.

Much like the levels of happiness there are 7 levels of sleep, the simplest levels are of course Waking and Sleeping but the variations of these are much more interesting. The vanilla sleep comes in 2 variations, either REM or non-REM sleep neither of which have anything to do with listening to Losing My Religion in Karaoke.

REM Sleep is the type of sleep where last nights Thai food is the difference between a Nightmare and a Wet Dream - REM Sleep or Rapid Eye Movement sleep is the most waking of sleep where your brain is still active and allows you personal delusions of grandeur.

Other flavours of sleep include Coma Boy and Dead Boy. One of these is slightly more permanent then the other if you are taking notes (Death is the bad one). These are of course counterbalanced by the Yin to their passed out in a gutter Yang which are variations of awake. While zombism maybe also considered a form of waking death we shall try and re-frame from actively commenting on practical voodoo here. Even though it does share similar effects as staring at a Magic Eye picture for 2 hours straight without a craving for Chilled Monkey Brain.

Jet Lag is a form of waking whereby your internal body clock thinks its the middle of the night and the world around you begs to differ. At present I am in Perth which the sun seems to come up at 5:30am and goes down around 8pm - as I am not a penguin and do not live at either the South or North Pole my internal clock says 'Whats your game sonny Jim' in a Sean Connery like voice before asking if I want a Sausage Sandwich with Sauce and something about a guy called Blowfelt. Jet Lag is like an expensive form of shift work where your body is perfectly aligned to the world around you, the problem is the world around you has daylight savings.

This brings us to the 7th level of sleep which is by far my favourite, Over tired or Sleep Deprived. This level of sleep can vary from individual to individual, ranging from the zombie like appearance to a Jedi like hyper aware sense without the urge to make out (twice!) your sister. This level of sleep has 2 benefits if you are the hyper aware type -

1. You are able to comprehend in spectacular fashions making connections so vague and insightful that a waking brain spins in its skull.
2. While not the comprehension, you lack the ability to care. This makes you far more efficient with you taking the shortest path between A and B when you in this mode that can only be compared to giving 5 year olds straight shots of red cordial spiked with Ritalin.

The downside to this mode of sleep is the toll that it takes out of you the longer you are in it which could lead to an Icarus like moment before heading straight into a sleep that would make Yogi and Boo Boo jealous.

So next time you are about to hit the sack or in hour 24 of a Guitar Hero Marathon take a moment to savour the delicious nectar of slumber. Apart from the possible dangers of waking up with one hand in ice water as you feel warmer water on your pants after passing out on a couch after your 12 tequila shot - its probably the most fun you can have with your pants on.

If you sleep naked then that point is debatable.

Andy, Zzzzzz... Poopietrim.

Two people walk into an Ark and...

As I write this the current world population is 6,682,588,002 there have already been 328,025 births today and 134,928 deaths. That's an actual growth of 193,097 per day. This roughly means ever minute across the world there are 248 couples, that's 496 people hooking up who either intentionally or unintentionally conceive a child.

In the last 3 weeks I have spoke to 3 sets of newly engaged couples and 3 sets of pregnant or new parents, and that's just the immediate short list. Without taking a Malthusian view upon the ever expanding world population and being slightly scientific about it you would have to wonder what biological imperative drives the modern homo sapian. Eat, sleep, reproduce are 3 fundamental behaviours of most organisms but human beings are exempt from Natural selection so they may also be from those inherent traits.

If not continuations of the species why do we pair up to be lead into the Ark? Is it nurture over nature? If you watch most Hollywood films the hero gets the girl and they live happy ever after (mostly). Is pop culture to blame that we have a need for some form of companionship? Will watching Love Actually too many times turn you into a crazy cat lady? Or maybe its simplier, perhaps it was Ego in the study with the lead pipe.

I think its simplier than this, I think we do what we enjoy. For me its pretty simple - I like a girl who is a little cute, a little funny, a little smart but the most important thing beyond all things that Quazimoto must have as a drawcard is simply I like being around them (a shorter list than you think). And just like an exotic massage, there in lies the rub. No one short of a sperm bank patron is there with a checklist, reviewing traits, shopping for value adds like extra cupholders in the new Ford Explorer. Most people are just getting from A to B and occasionally saying, 'You know what? This looks like a good place for a pinic' and pulling over.

There are lots of reasons you could say for pairing up, Tax breaks, being able to afford a home loan with a Joint Income - but I think its fairly simple, you do what you like and if you like being around someone you do that. Im not anti-marriage or engagement or pregnancy or anything like that - for the mathmatically adept amongst you, you would realise that in my earlier statements if everyone on the planet right now paired up had one child each then the world population would drop to below that of Brisbane in 4 generations.

So the point of todays Blog isnt a fortune cookie of life being short or the 5th line of a Leonardo's Bride single. Its simplier than that - go do what you enjoy paired up or not. Crazy cat lady isnt crazy as she likes her cats, its more the tinfoil hat to keep the microwaves out. As long as you dont harm yourself or anyone else im a fan of the Pursuit of Happiness and Laissez-faire methods of madness as thats what will be my driver.

The population is now 6,682,596,470 - go do what you like, the world can manage without you for the weekend.

Andy. A man who bought Love Actually on DVD not just for Kiera Knightly.

If I cant buy a Jetpack can I atleast put one on Layby?

I've recently started to wonder, as you may have noticed, why I can't buy a Jetpack on eBay. I mean we are living past the year 2000, there hasn't been an Apocalypse or attack from alien cows - yet it seems strange that the science fiction of the 1950's hasn't yet been realised. But on the way home I was thinking maybe we are to an extent just focusing on the lack of personal upward propulsion.

Quite possibly the coolest thing I have seen in the last 24hours is the latest add ons you can get for your Tom Tom. If you dont know Tom Tom is by far the most fun to say GPS unit on the market at present. If your out on the roads you might notice about a third of all drivers have these small units attached to their dashboards. Car GPS is a trend which within the next few years will become as commonplace as 17 year olds being bounced from strip clubs at schoolies.

Anyway back to the cool part - you can get a GPS unit which will direct you from point A to B through the quickest route, or the one that avoids tolls, or using the most amount of curb surfing. You can pair up your GPS with your friends and keep track of them on your buddies list so you can know if they are nearby to meet up or for the more anal among us - lowjack your children. But the coolest thing is you can get your Tom Tom to tell you the directions as you go.. as John Cleese.

There is no way that is not cool. And if you were told you could have that 10 years ago? Science Fiction, completely unheard of and you should of stopped eating lead paint chips when you were a child living under those powerlines. But that is a little be awesome.

Lets kick this up a little more, it could be we've had some time to build upto this - so the concept of a car driving on hydrogen is nothing new, you saw one of those the other day. Perhaps we have slowly been wading deeper into the pool not quite at the level or pass the level where you dip your John Thomas. But what if you took a plunge, lets say your born today:

• You would of never heard of tape.
• Ipod is to Gameboy as Wham is to the Village People.
• There has always been an Internet.
• The Simpsons' repeats are still on TV.

And thats only by the time you turned 5. There are some constants of course, the Seekers will always be on their Final Tour, Australian Idol will still be on and to fill a tank of Petrol you would need to trade either a small child capable of making sneakers or a good kidney. On the flipside NASA would have Astronauts in training to live on the moonbase, Hybrid cars wouldnt be so much a novelty and you think Video Games look good now.

So you might be thinking thats nice, how do I get a piece of that action? Im not getting any further away from my next colon check. Simple - keep looking for whats cool. Theres always something new and interesting and just that little bit more awesome then the last - and you can enjoy it just by doing that, enjoying it. Your only as old as who your feeling I'm told so for those who are single or dating someone older try this, Actual age is more important then Mental Age only until your old enough to buy booze and get cheaper car insurance.

Just because your old doesnt mean you have to act it. Things arent crap just because you dont like them, they are different. Be open to change and opinions. Try something new or try something you havent done for a while. The older you get doesnt mean the more cheese and wine parties you have to have, just means your getting older.

Law of Nature says the young and spry win out in the end, I prefer to think the ones that arent dumb enough to cross the road in front of the truck but not the ones not game enough to think about crossing because there might be.

Andy. Fought the Law and the law decided to call it a draw.

Viva La Net! Viva La Revolution!

Pop quiz hotshots, who here has broadband? Hmm that many of you... Now who on a plan which limits the amount you can download a month? I see. Last question how many of you think that sucks? All of you, really how about that.

I like the Internet, it is my squishy. Apart from performing an emergency tracheotomy on the side of Mt Kilimanjaro there isn't much you cant do with it, except I suppose with what you see in most Hollywood movies. But the point remains we love the net, its a highly complicated system of tubes which allow the global to become smaller.

I speak regularly with people on the other side of the global with instant messager. Email delivery staff are significantly less likely to go postal then your common mail carrier. Online games have shown Actual Intelligence is much more effective foe then Artificial. And the torrents - oh how we love the torrents.

But there is a blight on our fair emerald city which is the ferry man who asks for his 2 pieces of silver as we board his little boat to cross the river there and back. Much like a 7 year olds allowance we need to figure out exactly how much we can spend on redskins and still have some change to last til next month. If your on a Internet plan like this I expect you know exactly how much you can download a month and furthermore how much that equates to per day before you get cut down to either paying for it or a slower pre-broadband speed.

I'm sure if we think back there were other things like this, novelties which used to cost per kilo but overtime became so commonplace that they were just as easy to charge per serve. The way we get charged for Internet hasn't really changed much over the last 10 years or so with the only advancement being more carriers and more things you can do with your connection. The Internet will one day be on everything, cars, phones, TVs, white goods - think the Jetsons without the world working on Cogs.

For now while the Internet is still in it's early teens, usage should be more like Paytv - not that you get to watch so much TV then it turns off or switches to 24hr Antiques Roadshow. No you get a basic package (say most functions that allow browsing or mail), then you click into your extra channels you might want (maybe online game functions) and then you've always got the movie channels which may still be so many per month then you pay (maybe say FTP or something).

Unlimited Internet isn't such a bad idea, there is a school that might tell you that if everyone was downloading 24/7 365days a year the infrastructure in place should be upgraded which will drive up the cost of providing. But think about that, your in a chocolate shop, you like chocolate, not lactose intolerant and your allowed to eat as much as you want all for a dollar. Whats going to happen?

At first your going to gorge yourself on Willy Wonkas fine treats and blow up to the size of a balloon. That's at first, but your allowed to come in tomorrow too so what do you do then? Probably have a little less as you've tried most things already, then a little less again and eventually the novelty will wear off and you will just be coming in and getting your fix for the day and leaving again.

I believe the Internet could be used like this, no one can use it 24/7 without having Opera rescue them from their house with a crane - no matter what you download or view or do theres only so much TV, blogs, games or hell, porn you could look at before the populous' commonly low attention span limits hits.

This all comes back to one thing... Jetpacks. The Internet is part of the promised future of the Jetsons - flying cars, robot housekeepers and jetpacks. Unlimited Internet is something everyone should want as it aids in global collaboration that will one day yield such technological wonders. So if you want the Internet to be the horn of plenty that helps connect everyone to everyone then call your ISP and say "Where is my damn jetpack!"

In the meantime I'm going to believe that somewhere, someone, at sometime is already onto this and will revolutionise how we get billed for the Internet which will significantly change how the casual user uses it. Someone like the A-Team or MacGvyer holed up in the Pons Institute with a box of matches, ball of yarn and a trusty pocket knife which will emerge not with a bus converted into a tank but something a little more shiny.

Until then I'll be waiting for my Jetpack.

Andy. Hoping for a Future without Australian Idol.

My2ndFaceTube.com

I don't think I get a lot of social networking sites on the Internet, I'm told they are really good but much like the image of Mr T doing his taxes I just cant visualise it. Ive had people try and explain this cyberplague to me before, but the hybrid bulletin board/chat/blog/photo gallery/messaging all on a one page is a lot like Homers website giving the user a certain level of option paralysis.

Perhaps I'm looking for more then they are.. are they just prefab websites for the technically inept? I agree the Internet is big. Really big. Hoff in pre-fall of Berlin Wall Germany Big. But that doesn't mean you have to cut it down into bite size chunks for easy digestion for fear of needing an Heimlich should you take too much in at once.

Browsing the Internet is a lot like a good meal, it has courses and is sectioned. You start with an appetiser, generally something just to start the palette such as your home page. This could be a news site you set it to just so you know whats happened outside your parents basement bunker for the last 2 weeks since you last saw sunshine. Or maybe something simpler like Google as you always change what you might want to start your day with.

Following this you persue the wine list and maybe choose a nice bodied red to enjoy with your main meal and some light conversation. By the time your main has arrived your taste buds are open for business and rolling around naked in the flavour. If the Internet is a selection of food then facebook is a poptart. Its like going to Sizzler and dragging your chair up to the all-you-can-eat bar to construct a banana split using Sheppard's pie and prawns, too much in too small a space.

I do think theses sites have a certain purpose, I mean they are a pretty good promotional flyer on [Your Brand Name Here], but they just don't grab me in terms of a personal stamp on the Internet. I know people like to personalise their stuff, put stickers on their skateboard, pot plants on the patio, swords on the wall - but adding tomato sauce to your cheese sandwich doesn't really make it a completely new revolutionary type of sandwich, its just a cheese sandwich... with sauce.

If you want a blog then get a blog. If you want a place for your pictures then use flikr or something of that ilk. If you want to message your friends then use an instant messenger. The moral here is when your packing the car for the beach you dont shove in the snow shoes. If you want a website you should have one that reflects you and what you want, not some tracer version - ticking the box to get one with the lot (which looks a lot like your friends but totally different as you use that full sick font... dude).

Until someone can explain to me why these are good, which isnt that they take a whole lot of existing stuff and repackage it with a new bow in one place - I'll be staying away. Because at the moment they come off as the new electronic version of crack.

Andy. Man without a Facebook page.

Help fight Logophobia

I'm left with a peculiar problem of late which I am unsure of which is that either I'm getting smarter or the world is getting dumber. Ordinarily you could score yourself somehow, rank yourself in a greater sense of above or below normal - either by some form of test or counting how many lead paint chips you ate as a child. For example, a benchmark for funny would be either plus or minus a man falling down an up escalator. My problem is I think the chicken was roadkill while trying to find the middle of the road.

This isn't such a far leap to consider the problem maybe a matter of perspective. Until about the 16th century the planet believed that the sun revolved around the earth as it seemed to move while they did not. However, my belief isn't due to a theory that I am secretly the centre of the Universe (which is yet to be disproven) but more rather based on the reason that hairdryers in hotels have warning labels to advise against use in the shower.

You don't have to go far to see what I'm talking about which may leave you with a feeling that Darwin was stoned a lot. There are simple things like a style of wearing pants halfway down your underwear, not be so much a fashion exercise as providing easy access for a body cavity search. Pants are fairly simple devices to operate but beside eliminating the prospect of going commando, all it really is is wearing your underwear up higher than your pants - a great look if your visiting the grandchildren.

Conversation is the main point of contention for which I think I have a problem. For example 'Dude' is not the literally equivalent of duct tape to be used to string sentences together. Chances are if you want to have a conversation with me and every 3rd word is either 'Like' or 'Dude' then your going to finish up with your testicles super glued to a ceiling fan while I figure out if 1 or 5 is the highest setting.

Don't get me wrong Dude has a place and function and form. Given the correct tone and delivery 'Dude' can have a multitude of meanings. For example the correct English response to "DUDE!" is of course "SWEET!". You could say to someone what they have done is not really cool and a little off or you could say "Duuuuuude". In prehistoric days do you think they said, Oh "Ugg Ugg be a darling and please pass the salt" or was it point and "Urgh!", used correctly tone can convey a lot of meaning.

Some may say that swearing or sarcasm is a sign of a limited wit but I disagree, I believe raising your voice means your not smart enough to get your point across without shouting. Used correctly swearing can be like punctuation, it can tell you where a point starts or begins. But it has to be used with some level of control much like Dude, every 3rd word doesn't need to be Shit or you won't see the Bears from the Rabbits.

So I'm going to issue this challenge. When you hear a word that you don't hear often in conversation, try and work it in at some point with in the next day. It doesn't have to be fancy, I don't expect you to give directions to the hypotenuse. Just a simple verb, adjective or noun. Go to wikipedia and read a random article. Go to Dictionary.com and check the word of the day. Expand your vocabulary.

So tomorrow, when speaking be clear and concise. Don't use 5 words when 1 will do. Have a point. Try and keep to using words that you actually know the meaning of. Otherwise just shut up, sit in the corner and try and not stab yourself with the safety scissors.

Andy. Man who likes using big words and stuff.

0-100km/h in 24.5 Years

Some of you would know, some would not, the 22nd of September 2007 marks the end of an era. My dad has sold our 1983 Blue Toyota Cressida. This car holds a lot of history not only with me but with friends. I had done many things with and in that car - 3am treks to licenced pancake houses which were decorated with suits of armor, driving to other states on a moments whim, taking many a girlfriend to the drive-in but never seeing a movie. For a large part of my driving life this car was my identity, it got me from A to B which usually was from Anywhere to a Bar.

Your Modus Transit says a lot about you, its an extension of your personality. If your a green tea sipping, organic fabric wearing, sandal and sock wearing, $100 a year Greenpeace donating fancy pants. Then you might find your chariot is most likely a bicycle to and from work on a daily basis with a fully environmentally friendly hybrid for those longer weekend trips with a roof rack so your pushy doesn't get left behind. If your a little scruffy, little impatient for the slow and or stupid with a fairly low care level when it comes to where to sit, what to do, and where to park - then perhaps 2 wheel mode of transport like a Motorcycle is more to your persona.

If doesn't matter how much it cost, nor what review it got in Wheels magazine before you acquired it, once its yours it becomes a defining attribute. You could be that friend with the mini cooper that didn't have a radio for 3 months so would sing loud and bad in their car on every trip. The panel van with the plush carpet and mini disco ball dubbed the shaggin` wagon. The diesel Gemini which could get 800km to a single tank, which you know as you tested it and remember pushing it once after running out of gas. The little Colt with the Pretenders 500 Miles stuck in the deck and always on play.

Any transport right down to the BMX you rode when you were twelve has a certain yin and yang relation with your being, there is something you have done or something it does that just makes it yours. Some cars have reputations such as 4x4s being used as Urban APCs around school zones at 3:30 but never for 4x4'ing, V8's being owned by rev heads, Celicas and hairdressers - but what makes something yours is that certain j'est est qua. That old car was mine not for what it looked like, not the CD player and speakers that I had to cut the back shelf for to make fit when I replaced them, not for the sunroof you could jump through in a Dukes of Hazzard moment, but for what we did with it.

So to the Cressida we charge our glasses and I quote a friend - "To missions accomplished, to goals fulfilled, to limits broken; you are remembered."

Andy. Man who promised himself he wouldn't cry.

Clearly you've never been to Singapore

In case you didn't know this coming week marks International Talk like a Pirate Day. If another day existed which is better for rum swillin`, wenchin' and plundering then I don't know when that is. Some might call it a fictional holiday but its no more fictional then International Hallmark & Florist day on February 14th.

Talking like a Pirate is a lot like learning how to swear in a foreign language, you might know how to do it but you lack the opportunity to use it. But just like Christmas, once a year you get a shiny new bicycle to ride out on the street with all the other neighbourhood kids. And as a bonus being a Pirate is largely considered cool at the moment, no small thanks to Captain Jack Sparrow. Not all Pirates rate this, Peter Pan's nemesis for example is still a cautionary tale against masturbation.

There are few easily recognisably cool professions listed in relative order of coolness - Cowboy, Ninja, Spy, Pirate:

• Cowboy is always the Clint Eastwood (or the duke I suppose), Pale Rider/Or the last 20 minutes of Unforgiven, but rides off into the sunset usually alone.
• Ninja is very sneaky but in the Ro-Sham-Bo of life is always the Paper to Chuck Norris Scissors.
• Spy cannot go past the Bond, James Bond with the women, the gadgets and the bad guys. If Pirate wasnt on the list this would be at the top.
• But lastly we have Pirate and whether its a drunken metro sexual pirate or not, currently Pirate does rate highest on the cool-o-meter.

What makes Pirates cool is the rebel streak, the all for one and all for me attitude. A Pirate is the little devil on one shoulder to the little angel Superego on the other. Everyone has an inner pirate, the only consideration is if its Blackbeard or Captain Feathersword. Your inner Pirate guides you and lets you cry havok into the wind of common sense and take a risk.

Your inner Pirate says, 'all in' when you have a pair of dueces against a possible flush. Your inner Pirate says, 'thats future you's problem' when considering how to get home from the bar if you have another drink. Your inner Pirate says, 'arg' when theres wenching to be done.

Your inner Pirate is what gets you into trouble, but personally I dont mind being in trouble as long as I have the fun of getting into it to start with. Most Americans would want to be stuck with MacGyver in case of emergency, but I would bet most would rather be stuck with Captain Jack to really get into trouble.

So next week listen to your inner Pirate. Try and be a little more pirate in your day to day life, boycott shaving every day, drink rum, say 'arg', wear an eye patch (if you dont perform tasks which are hazzardeous without proper depth perception). Be a little more rebeleous, carefree, possibly drunken. Take a risk and join the revolution baby, we have rum.

Andy. Arrrrg.

If Awesome has a Name....

Do you remember your childhood? I'm sure you do, it was back before you discovered girls, booze, gambling... before you turned say 12 and the only boobs you saw were in national geographic. So let me go all Ghost of Christmas past on you and roll back the velvet curtains.

You loved the Muppet Show and Sesame St, but without considering that Piggy was stalking Kermit and Bert and Ernie were more then room mates. You watched Battle of the Planets, before it was ripped off 17 times to make Power Rangers. You had a Hypercolour shirt, until you put it in the freezer right after the microwave.

Now fast forward to today. You are waiting on the High Definition Blu Ray version of Transformers live action movie to come out. You love playing space invaders on your phone as its chic. Apple make stuff people want to buy. And you talk to your friends who have moved overseas everyday without a telephone bill large enough for the phone company to send over heavies.

There are lots of different Generations subbed as buzz words, Gen X, Gen Y, etc. But at the end of the day the only difference between you now and you of 15-20 years ago is...You have a Wife or Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Husband or Mistress, possibly more than one from this list and not from the same category. You go to work, its like school but they paid you to go there and there is no little lunch.

But every so often now something from your childhood returns and you get a little tingle, and not in the way that you just paid $100 for a lap dance kind of way. These things pop up like a random body cavity search on your way home from a round trip to Amsterdam. And depending on experience this can be something new to be enjoyed or it can be something that makes you feel you've just been traded for a pack of cigarettes and made someones bitch.

Take Star Wars Episodes 1-3. Sure there was some redeeming value, when the first ones came out a Midnight Movie Session was when you had to tune into SBS to see the "Foreign" films. You could now afford all the cool merchandise you couldn't have when you were a kid unless you were good until Christmas. You hoped to recapture your childhood with wonder and amaze - skipping over the part why cousins can't marry in most states. And when it came out what happened? George Lucas made you his bitch, 3 times over.

Each time something like this is announced it has an element of this is going to be Legend.. wait for it ... Dary (props to you Barney). And then there's that element, that little fuzzy thing you fed after midnight and now its cutting the break lines in your soul train. You want this, you need this, but you don't want it to tarnish the memory of your favourite childhood friend leaving you feeling like you just watched Smurf porn.

For me, its the announcement of the title of a film hitting the box office next year - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Indiana Jones is by far my favourite movies of all time, a educated, rogue, archaeologist who wears a hat and hates Nazis. Indy is one of those Stereotypes, the base, the original, a staple that has been borrowed, reinvented and reused right up to today. Think Lara Croft would still be all that with only a pair of D cups and nothing to raid?

Its hard to conceive something so awesome having the possibility to suck. But we have learnt our lesson over and over again and been punished like Wile E. Coyote purchasing from Acme.com. But you know what, we are going to go on. Like good little lemmings we are going to keep touching the electrified cupcake until we die or get some sugar, because sooner or later we will have sucked up enough raw voltage that the battery will go flat.

Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus. And hopefully he can bring the gold next year even with a 14 syllable movie title.

Andy. Man just making this up as he goes.

The Sex Pistols are not Emo!

I just recently learnt the meaning of the term "Emo". Up until that point in time I had no idea what/who/where it was and why a large percentage of the over 10 and under 20 population were referred as it. On a the list of thing I actually thought Emo was prior:

• What you get when an Emu and a Cow have sex.
• A new character on Sesame Street.
• Natives of the North Pole.

Wikipedia defines Emo as "someone who fits a particular Emo stereotype or category or someone who is overly-emotional". It goes on to say Emo's are typically sensitive, shy, introverted and quiet. This could also be another way of saying that unless you are a loud jackass who likes to be centre of attention your a bit Emo. Further investigation shows the common opinion is that teenagers, dressed in black who just like hanging around the one place in groups with a penchant for razorblades are Emo.

Just as we cross this point I think it is clear I truly don't care too much what people want to do, as long as they don't inflict it on others. That's not to say inflicting some things on yourself is a good idea either. Cutting yourself with razor blades as your depressed is as good an idea as strapping nitro to your genitals and going on a trampoline, you might walk away but odds say its going to end badly for you.

Now while ordinarily I would not care about yet another label to describe someone when the rest of the English language was sitting in the corner having a bit of tea and a muffin with nothing else to do, a visit to the local JB Hifi CD shelves has changed my opinion. Reggae, Pop, Rock, Emo/Punk... I'm sorry? What was that? Why is the Sex Pistols under a section that says Emo? What the?

Invention is fun, making up stuff, being the first, beacause it was there type shit is all good. But when you come up with a new term you don't have to try and nail it to everything that moves like a nymphomaniac at a brothel. Come up with something, name it, stick with it don't change other stuff which was perfectly fine before you came along. As the Dalia Llama says, 'Don't fuck with my Chi'.

Call a spade a spade, call a Uncle Toby's Muesli Bar a Uncle Toby's Muesli Bar. But for fucks sake don't put a dress on your dog Max and start calling him Aunt Lola. Things have names, use them, if you don't know what something is called... here's an idea - ask! If your on 747 going down over the ocean, need a parachute and think calling it a bowl of cornflakes is going to get someone to hand it over, go ahead. Darwinism is a wonderful thing.

Oh and for the record, Peter Parker was not Emo in Spider-Man 3.

Andy. Man still searching for a non-Emo sign off.

For a good time call Jim Wallace 0402 341 755

If you haven't seen it Californication is a great show probably one of the reasons for starting this blog. Its witty, its direct and it shows intelligence far beyond what its credited for, probably due to the content sometimes bordering on soft porn. For those who are wondering soft porn is, it's the one where there isn't a pool cleaner - you know porn with plot?

With any show that has sexual references and language of which the likes we have not seen since Debbie last visited Dallas there is of course a section of the community which feel obliged to speak in outrage. The latest is Jim Wallace of the Australian Christian Lobby who describes the show as setting "a new level of bastardy".

I for one am glad that he has called for this, as there is never anything more certain for a TV shows continued existence then for someone to call for it to be banned/boycotted/or moved to a new time slot. If your a struggling new series with your head on the chopping block, maybe you too can be saved with a season final including an octogenarian with a hose and donkey set to some Barry White. For the same reason that people slow down at car accidents, Mr. Wallace has now insured a increase in viewership for this fine production.

Its not about protecting children or anything like that as the show is on at such a time that those who might be of concern about being desensitised are safely locked in the storm cellar with Pa standing watch with his shotgun. So the moral here is pretty clear - if your as sensitive to course language and sexual references as a English red headed albino is to sunlight, don't watch. If you don't like some music, don't listen to it. If you don't like pineapple on your pizza, don't order it.

I'm all for freedoms, being able to say what you want, watch what you want, listen to what you want, eat what you want - but the same thing that lets me do that is the same thing that means you get to say what you want and I can't stop you. This isn't a problem until you try and force me to say join a cult that worships a coming spaceship or Amway.

So Jim, if I can call you that. See the remote, see that big button on the top with the O and the I on it. Press it. The TV goes off, no its not witchcraft to which you must now burn your local audio visual specialist at the stake, its called choice. Use it but don't try and take it away for others. Its why you can buy pizzas with pineapple on it.

For everyone else... thats actually Jim's number up there from the ACL website.

Andy. Man of the People.

Daddy... where do Blogs go when they die?

Being my first real blog I have been considering why blogs fail, why people tend to start them and then drift off to obscurity. I believe there are 3 types of Bloggers out there in Internet Land:

Type 1. The Commentator, the person who blogs for themselves as a creative outlet. By far the most popular type of blogger and usually the longest lasting.
Type 2. The Absorbist, the person who just blogs for the attention. Commonly the one who stops blogging right after they figure out no one else wants to read what they have to say.
Type 3. The one who likes seeing what this button does. Typically the type of individual you would not find either trusted with launch codes or operating a missile silo.

The pattern for most blogs is a few large posts quite frequently (matches so far) then less, then shorter, then perhaps some one line posts to become the electronic trash equivalent of a parking voucher given to you by a Harri Krishna on the way to work.

With this in mind I thought I should draw up some ground rules:

1. The Blog will attempt to equal the mental stimuli of a sea sponge and not an ongoing social commentary on the economic effect of desalinisation environmental politics.
2. To quote Sam & Max - No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service... this of course means Pants are optional.
3. Originality is important. If you steal something quote the source.
4. No one line blogs. Just say no to one liners.

Apart from that the floor is yours comment as you like and I will attempt to remember to keep to the basics and offer you a blog more regular then a harry potter movie release and less than a bowel movement.

Andy (Still haven't thought of a cool sign off)

MySpace killed the Video Star

Is it a common truth that the more connected you are the less physically connected you are. In the modern age of mobiles, sms, blogs, myspace, facebook, google earth the more online you are the less offline. Do you upgrade from letter to phone to fax to email to blog to second life just as you have from pen and paper to ADSL2. And once you have this do you feel morally obligied to use said connection?

When looking at blogs think are they the natural evolution of a pink dear diary with a little lock which can only be read by sneaking into your sisters room and knowing which draw to rumage - is the attraction of a blog to read no more than a digital voyers daily activity as some form of in road to a personal commentary be it sexual/social/economical/comical. Or is it a need of armchair crusader for an outlet for the friends of the ABC now that Backchat is no longer on the air.

Everyone wants to be online from 4 year olds with a mobile (which we will come back at another time) to your grandmother. Everyones getting on and blogging, myspacing, second life, im'ing and just like a beachgoer on bondi at boxing day they are just looking for their own piece of realestate to call their own. Its not for exploration or achievement, there are no digital Christopher Columbus' or Neil Armstrongs here, its just Bugs Bunny popped up at Pismo Beach putting down his deckchair and running for the water.

Consider, is second life the first? If so, see that thing in the corner of the room? Thats called a door. To operate you turn the handle and push. Go through and explore. Never know, it might catch on.

Andy. (Ill think of a cool sign off later)