I've been to Mars but I've never been to Me

I haven't yet contacted NASA to check but I'm fairly certain my daily routine does not involve anything that can be considered any form of rocket science. Yet everyday I find the world has new ways to make me think the new flavour of Coca-Cola involves lead paint chip sprinkles that must be only drunk under high power lines.

For those who drive, normally considered productive members of society, the task is fairly straightforward. There's the front (that's where your going), there's the back (that's where you've been) and other people in their vehicles all around. While legal driving requires some form of testing it breaks down to a very basic rule number 1 - Don't run into shit.

For the more monosyllabic readers who may have missed when Elmo explained the letters K, U, C, O and F required by law to be known if you drive on a freeway and possibly could not even pass a Hazzard county driving exam let me break that down further:

You reach a set of traffic lights which has red facing you, do you,

A) Drive ahead anyway, it's the other person's fault for being stopped in front of your tonnes of raging oil drinking steel steed.

B) Yell "Ye-haw!" and floor it.

C) Steal the Police car next to you and press R3 to start the Vigilante mission.

For those who answered B, Cousin Bo is waiting for you at the Boars Nest - please re frame from using roads with tarmac. If you answered C, this is reality and not GTA4 - you may notice this due to pressing Select does not bring up a map. Finally if you answered A and survived, you have broken rule Uno of driving - congratulations you have proven the life's work of Charles Darwin to be a fraud.

If you look at a car from 1901 the cars from today are significantly simpler - we have big glass bits to stop the bugs. We have seats and seat belts within easy reach of our 10 CD stacker with iPod connector so you can listen to your Neil Diamond best of with your tea cosy hat on. We have a little stick you can pull that starts a flashing light to tell others your going to move sideways away from or towards them. No where in this list do I see an item which requires an advanced degree in quantum mechanics with applied theory to operate.

Yet drivers today seem so bad that if they were a fish, John West would be tossing them in the skip out the back. Twice in the space of three days have I been on my way to work and had a genuine fear for my life being near some drivers. For there are few solutions, Plan A - involves 4 Litres of Petrol and a box of matches OR Plan B - Skirmish Guns or some high impact form of Nerf.

Whats that? Cut me off? Two in the back of the head I think for you and when you drive by a Policeman he can see you've been marked and say to himself, 'Obviously hes been a bit of a dickhead - I should probably book him for something, possibly sodomising a cow.'

Skirmish and Vehicular combat is an untapped market currently limited to only red and green clad Italian Plumbers and should be brought into the world if not on the open road at the very least on private tracks. Who wouldn't want to race go karts with a hopper full of paint and a side order of 2-stroke. If you cant have Skirmish on the open road perhaps bad drivers could be brought onto this private track...

You think a shot in the centre mast hurts when your standing still... try it doing 80 down the main straight. Until then I guess I'm going to have to stick with the its 120 miles to Chicago approach.

Andy, a man without fear on the skirmish field... or padded protection.