Christmas in July

It's that time of the year again, the silly season, the Xmas rush, the end of year. The Season of the Work Christmas parties which commonly involve a large bar tab, appetisers (which are the culinary equivalent of pissing on the 3rd rail) and hopes that the hot new girl from account doesn't wear underwear and would like to see the photocopier room.

The real impending downfall of civilisation as we know it is the fact that work Christmas are moving at a speed of contenental drift away from December 25th. Think about it, remember your work Xmas party a few years ago, pretty close to Christmas - almost the same week in fact.

Then think about every year since, when is your party this year if your having one? November? October almost? Is it too much to ask a Christmas party be at least in the same month as Christmas? You can either love your workplace or hate it, but either way having almost a month between making an ass of yourself at the Xmas party and everyone else having some days off over Christmas to forget about it - does not bode well for the Yule time mood.

Maybe the problem is lack of stealth. Christmas doesn't exactly sneak up on you with Trees & Xmas savings being on display only 6 months after the Santa suit went into storage (3 after the indictments were finalised). Maybe it needs to go back to the days of the Christmas rush, only 3 weeks til Christmas advertising not 363 days. Maybe... Christmas needs to go Ninja.

Ninjamas maybe the way to go, many people will never know that December 25th has been and gone as they may be fooled by Ninjamas' awesome stealth-like abilities. Ninjamas considers all facets of the holiday period just look to how you may do your Ninjamas Secret Santa shopping online.

You maybe thinking how can I, Tripitaka, a humble boy monk with definite female features be more Ninja in my Ninjamas festivities. Apart from ditching Pigsy and Sandy there are a few points you can try:

• Wear socks with no shoes a lot. Sandles are considered shoes in this example, which means your Grandpa is not a Ninja.
• Walk sideways, confuse and confound your target with your crablike dexterity
• Talk out of Sync - All the cool dubbed Ninja's do it.
• When you move your arms and hands make whushing sounds (something that Ninjas have in common with both Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan)
• Learn the ancient and mystic arts of the Shirt Ninja
• Whenever need to leave a room, use a smoke bomb
• Practice being roundhoused by Chuck Norris except for the part of being kicked so hard you travel back in time.

So this Ninjamas when doing your Ninjacard lists, wrapping your Ninja presents in tissue paper for stealth unwrapping, and putting up your Ninja tree - enjoy the Christmas period as close to December 25th as you can and just say no to Christmas Parties that aren't. Because the only thing that can stop Ninjamas is New Chuck's Eve...

Andy. A Guy who knows that all real Ninja's ask for a Chuck Norris-proof vest for Xmas.

For Those Who Are About to Rock Online We Salute You

When you were 4 you probably got some form of present, details are sketchy as you were 4 probably a shipment of bindezz beads or something from your dealer, but whats important it came in a big ass box. Well not big just big to you as you were four and to scale with a smurf or right height to work the chain gang on the yellow brick road.

So you had this proportionally big box and your 4. You probably climbed in it and under it, you drove it down the staircase like a race car narrowly missing or nailing the coffee table with the very breakable very expensive nicknack's on it. You put it over you and moved from place to place like a turtle amazed at your stealth that no one would possibly notice this cardboard crustation moving about the living room to the kitchen and back - doing cookie recon work.

So this was when you were 4 with a box. What do you do now? You still have a box but its a PlayStation/Xbox.

Suddenly your imaginary friend isn't imaginary, they are online helping you frag like a mofo from the other side of the globe with a name like MurderDeathKiller13 as opposed to Mr Squishyhead who likes cookies but cant eat them for himself. Online gaming is great, its a world wide community where you can Rock out, Drive like a maniac or have your enemies ph33r your l33t gaming skillz.

For only the cost of a current gaming rig of some description, a broadband connection and some of chance of a social life you too could be getting your ass handed to you by a Czechian 12 year old hopped up on powdered Red Bull. And much like Faust handing these over seems too easy as the temptation to be a fighter pilot, freedom fighter or lead guitarist is offered as something you presumably could not do any other way.

But is it that far outside your grasp? Get a Pilots Licence and with a little skill and a lot of hours you could one day be racing in the Red Bull Air race. Rock climbing and Abseil or perhaps Skirmish your way into your favourite parts of Tomb Raider. Pickup a Guitar and practice practice practice and one day you will be able to ...umm... Beat Guitar Hero on Expert.

Video games aren't bad things, they are shortcuts into something that you might not be able to do exactly - that's not to say that's the end of it. Short of FPS, most gaming experiences can be extended to the real world its just a question of do you want to go that extra mile or is couch potatoism for you.

Why play golf as Tiger Woods when you can just go play golf? Why race Mario Kart instead of actual Karts? Why schmooze as Leisure Suit Larry when you can... OK bad example but the point remains. Play video games but just don't ONLY play video games. Douglas Adam's says all technology comes from Sticks (although he doesn't say where sticks come from), however what goes unsaid with new technology is newer doesn't always mean better.

But as long as I can't fly a single prop Race Plane, blow up an enemy Titan or race the Targa - my Playstation will make a nice placebo.... for now...

Andy. A man who just wants a plain regular original style Coca Cola.

Postcard from the Other Edge of Consciousness

If you travel between timezones in a gap large enough to see the sun setting and rising at different times you will have a appreciation of the sweet science of sleep. Sleep is a necessary and ongoing process. While Bon Jovi may protest that he will sleep when he is dead the fact is there has probably been many a time he has passed out in a pool of carrots and never actually after having a meal of vegetables.

Much like the levels of happiness there are 7 levels of sleep, the simplest levels are of course Waking and Sleeping but the variations of these are much more interesting. The vanilla sleep comes in 2 variations, either REM or non-REM sleep neither of which have anything to do with listening to Losing My Religion in Karaoke.

REM Sleep is the type of sleep where last nights Thai food is the difference between a Nightmare and a Wet Dream - REM Sleep or Rapid Eye Movement sleep is the most waking of sleep where your brain is still active and allows you personal delusions of grandeur.

Other flavours of sleep include Coma Boy and Dead Boy. One of these is slightly more permanent then the other if you are taking notes (Death is the bad one). These are of course counterbalanced by the Yin to their passed out in a gutter Yang which are variations of awake. While zombism maybe also considered a form of waking death we shall try and re-frame from actively commenting on practical voodoo here. Even though it does share similar effects as staring at a Magic Eye picture for 2 hours straight without a craving for Chilled Monkey Brain.

Jet Lag is a form of waking whereby your internal body clock thinks its the middle of the night and the world around you begs to differ. At present I am in Perth which the sun seems to come up at 5:30am and goes down around 8pm - as I am not a penguin and do not live at either the South or North Pole my internal clock says 'Whats your game sonny Jim' in a Sean Connery like voice before asking if I want a Sausage Sandwich with Sauce and something about a guy called Blowfelt. Jet Lag is like an expensive form of shift work where your body is perfectly aligned to the world around you, the problem is the world around you has daylight savings.

This brings us to the 7th level of sleep which is by far my favourite, Over tired or Sleep Deprived. This level of sleep can vary from individual to individual, ranging from the zombie like appearance to a Jedi like hyper aware sense without the urge to make out (twice!) your sister. This level of sleep has 2 benefits if you are the hyper aware type -

1. You are able to comprehend in spectacular fashions making connections so vague and insightful that a waking brain spins in its skull.
2. While not the comprehension, you lack the ability to care. This makes you far more efficient with you taking the shortest path between A and B when you in this mode that can only be compared to giving 5 year olds straight shots of red cordial spiked with Ritalin.

The downside to this mode of sleep is the toll that it takes out of you the longer you are in it which could lead to an Icarus like moment before heading straight into a sleep that would make Yogi and Boo Boo jealous.

So next time you are about to hit the sack or in hour 24 of a Guitar Hero Marathon take a moment to savour the delicious nectar of slumber. Apart from the possible dangers of waking up with one hand in ice water as you feel warmer water on your pants after passing out on a couch after your 12 tequila shot - its probably the most fun you can have with your pants on.

If you sleep naked then that point is debatable.

Andy, Zzzzzz... Poopietrim.